Ways You're Screwing Up Your Kids Right Now - Part 2

2. Resent your spouse or significant other
I can't tell you the number of parents who have walked into my office and have told me point blank, "our kids have no idea we are having problems."  I will tell you this as clearly as I can, that is a bunch of BULL!  One thing to remember, if you take nothing else from the words on this page, is that children know way more than you think they do.  They are attuned little things that pick up on everything from words to your non-verbal behavior.  Really?  Yes, really.

A big source of these problems in couples with young children are related to anger and resentment.  So where does all this resentment come from?  For us Moms of younger children, I consistently hear the main sources of resentment and anger comes from feeling that our spouses don't share in the domestic responsibilities, our spouses don't pay enough attention to us and that they are insensitive to our needs and concerns.  In turn, many Moms internalize these feelings because they feel guilty, bad about bombarding a spouse with these issues upon their returning home after work or simply because they don't feel their spouse will listen, care or change.  This internalization of angry feelings often times leads to angry outbursts which the other spouse feels "blindsided" by or full on meltdowns which can also cause the spouse to withdraw.  This pattern often times reenacts itself  over and over again promoting more distance between the spouses.  Most men don't like female rage, it's frightening to them, but there is a more effective solution to the issue.  It's called COMMUNICATION.

 The tricky part of this it that often times our ability to communicate in intimate relationships has it's roots in our family or origin's communication style and many times these were not the best models.  Until you figure this out, you may be reenacting your parents relationship without being consciously aware that your doing that!  First step is to think about whether or not your are communicating your feelings about the situation in the moment, and by communicating, I mean talking calmly, not letting it get to the point where you are outlining everything you're pissed off about since the beginning of your relationship 10 years ago.  That's a lot for anyone to digest.  It means you need to question, am I bringing things up as they happen and in the moment?  If you're not, you need to look at that.

Whether you are outwardly fighting, poking passive aggressive jabs at each other or simply avoiding, acting indifferent to or ignoring each other,you are not providing healthy models for your children and they know something is amiss.  Your relationship with your spouse sets a model for your children for which they will base future relationships.  Your positive relationship with your spouse provides your children with a secure base.  A secure base encourages a child's exploration of the world around them.  Without worry or anxiety about the security of the two people who are a child's world, a child feels safe to makes these explorations and take appropriate risks.  When a marriage is not strong it erodes at the child's sense of security and thus can inhibit his exploration, decrease his confidence and self-esteem and potentially cause a child to act out behaviorally.

Ways You're Screwing Up Your Kid Right Now

As someone who works with children and families, I feel fortunate to have had many families come to my office seeking help for a variety of issues.  Fortunate, because in the many years I have seen these families they have shared with me the many challenges and struggles they have faced in rearing children. In those stories, have been many valuable lessons that theory cannot teach.

  Over the next few posts, I will share the top five things that I consistently hear, perhaps it might cause someone to think a little differently.  I will say it has caused me to change my way of thinking for sure.

1.  Lack Consistency
This is a biggie.  It starts from the time your child comes home from the hospital and continues throughout their childhood.  Consistency is essential to the healthy emotional development of children.  Why?  Well, it teaches children that there are things they can trust in this world, and trust develops a sense of safety and stability and feelings of safety and stability decrease anxiety which allows children to develop in important ways such as socially, academically and physically.  Consistency concretely translates into such things as feeding your children at the same time or on demand in infancy, putting your child to bed at the same time every night, being consistent with consequences to mention a few.   Keeping routines is an integral part of being consistent as a parent.   Kids thrive with routine because they know what to expect which can also begin to instill that important sense of responsibility that we want children to develop as they grow.   It's never to early to begin to be consistent with your children.

Bad Parents, the year in review

We all screw up.  Okay, maybe you don't, but I do.  Here's the years review of parenting 'oops' by the Huffington Post.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/12/06/worst-parenting-fails_n_1129372.html?ref=parents

With blogs, the interent, being able to take videos on our phones, we can look forward to this becoming a yearly tradition and hope we don't find ourselves on it.  Happy 2011!

Parenting - Talking Sex, educate yourself

I get a lot of questions about parenting issues and resources.  Sex happens to be the most difficult topic, I find, that parents struggle with discussing.  Your kids will only be as comfortable talking about it as you are.  They know when you're freaked out more than you think you can hide it.

The beauty about the fact that children are not born adolescents gives us all a large amount of time to educate ourselves and get ready for those more challenging conversations that are sure to come up, that is, if our kids think we can handle it.  Show them you are, educate yourself now.  That's the beauty of children, none pop out talking and wanting answers which gives us the time to anticipate their questions and get to a point where we can be comfortable giving them.

This is a fantastic website and has lots of information for teens regarding sexuality.  Brought to you by Kinsey, who else?

www.kinseyconfidential.org