How Married Are You?

Interesting article in Time.

http://www.time.com/time/specials/packages/article/0,28804,2075201_2075195_2075196,00.html

Mother-in-Laws

I'm sure the title got your attention.

Thankfully, I am fortunate to have a one of those Mother-in-Laws that are NEVER portrayed in movies.  She is NOT psychotic, crazy,overbearing, infantilizing, idealizing her son, hating me and basically just being a passive aggressive bitch.  My Mother-in-Law is definitely nothing like that, in fact, she's pretty cool.

I am being completely serious.  I lucked out on this one.   I know I did.

My job alone allows me to hear countless stories of Mother-in-Laws who feel the need to make their daughter-in-laws feel less than or as an outsider.  My Mother-in-Law continues to surprise me as being really normal and just like another one of my girlfriends who I talk to for several hours about...stuff.  I was on the phone with my Mother-in-Law for over an hour and an half a few weeks ago without feeling like I needed to get off.  I realize to some of you that would be like root canal or perhaps you would opt for root canal over time with you Mother-in-Law.  I am VERY lucky.  I repeat, VERY lucky.  Someone is looking out for me up there.  I appreciate it.  Thank you.

Distracted Family Time

Everywhere I go, I see families and usually, there is one parent or child texting, emailing or talking on their phone.   I'm guilty of it too.  I feel like my Blackberry has become an extension of my arm.  It's a little troubling.  And, it's not as if I am so important that I have to be reached to make some life threatening decisions at a moments notice.  Most of the stuff I answer during the day can wait, there is no rush.  Yet, I think the boundaries between family time and everything else like work, or other commitments has become severely blurred.  We are always accessible which screams the need for boundaries.  Children are bothered that their parents are not paying attention to them because they are emailing or texting and spouses are feeling invisible playing second fiddle to the iphone.  I hear this from friends and from patients at work. What happened to quality time, face to face time, intimate time?

Technology is going to continue to advance.  We will be more available to anyone who wants to reach us at anytime.  So, where will you set the boundaries?

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/05/27/dining/27text.html

Marriage is work

Marriage is hard work.  It can be wonderful, it can be ugly, it can be a sleepover party with your best friend, it can riddled with contentment or resentment or a sea of complacency.  A marriage can be all of these things from moment to moment, from month to month or year to year.  It can change in a day or stay in a certain state for years.  The point of the matter is there are things that bring two people together.  Often with children and within those initial years following their birth, sometimes it's easy to lose sight of that.  Why?  Because having children is the hardest thing you will ever do.  Don't fool yourself, it is.  You have entered into an agreement to take responsibility for raising a human being.   A human being!  That is no small feat.   And the fact that these little people come out completely dependent with no ability to help themselves often times puts a marriage on the back burner, since raising children is exhausting.  Those little buggers have a lot of energy!

You probably never thought you would be one of those people during your courtship.   But you also never had children.  The concept of children versus the reality of children are TOTALLY different.  Marriage can be ugly.  Having children can be ugly.  Marriage can be wonderful.  Having children can be wonderful.  Society does us no favors feeding us idealistic pictures of the two.  It leads to a lot of unnecessary disappointment.

What I'm starting to realize is that you have to look at your marriage the same way you look at yourself after having children.   You are now different and so is your marriage.  Your identity has to incorporate this change the way it did when you got married.  For those of you whose identity didn't change so much after being married, this will be a bit more challenging.  Expectations need to be reevaluated and communication needs to occur.  What makes you happy?  What makes your partner happy?   What makes you both happy?  What do you expect of your partner and what does your partner expect from you?  No one is a mind reader and sometimes, it's as simple as just sitting down and having a frank conversation about it to crush those budding or already growing resentments.  The answers to those questions may be different from when you were dating and in most cases, they will be.

A wise woman once told me that when you choose the person you will spend you life with, it is similar to choosing a car that you know will eventually be a classic or collector's item (stay with me here).  If you intend to have that car make it to the stage where it can be considered classic, it takes lots of care and maintenance.  Marriage isn't really all that different.  It takes lots of maintenance which means checking in with your partner to see where they're at and letting them know where you're at...just because no one is talking about it doesn't mean that everything is okay.  It's something I need to do more, this motherhood thing has distracted me, but I do realize that my daughter will reap the benefits from seeing her parents in a healthy marriage and that's all the convincing I need.

What are your thoughts on this one?

Do you know a Man-Child?

I have been taken aback with the amount stories I have heard lately, all from women, about spouses or partners who seem to fit into that 'Man-Child' category.  Really, I have been told these stories, from friends, colleagues and with those with whom I work.  It's really quite a phenomenon.  There have been a few articles and books published out about the delayed adolescence of men, but these seem to focus on single men.  The Man-Child I'm speaking of is NOT single.

  So, what is a Man-Child?  Well,  Urban Dictionary offers many definitions for this term, but my definition is this:


A grown married man, in his mid thirties to mid forties, who continues to live as an adolescent.  He is either not gainfully employed, or does not work or is not motivated to work to his full potential.  If he is not employed, there is no evidence that he has been job searching during the day nor is there any evidence that he has tried to help with the housework while his wife/partner is out supporting the family.  He is more than okay doing the bare minimum so that he can pursue adolescent endeavors.   He is heavily addicted to video games and may even be involved in weekly gatherings around such activities.  He relies heavily on his wife/partner to carry the family financially or potentially because she has better health coverage at her work.   He complains a lot and when he is sick, he must be waited on hand and foot by his wife who should then also become a 'nurse' on top of her job and parenting roles.  He has often been coddled by his parents and needs lots of emotional support.

Does this creature sound familiar?